The weeks leading up to my due date in 2022, I was excited to become a mom and also nervous about childbirth. Yet the pure joy of having a son overshadowed any pain I might soon face.

However, I was about to struggle with something I never anticipated being part of my story. I would also learn the importance of having a sound mind against fear.

A strange discovery

During the ninth month of my pregnancy, as I was putting on a necklace I noticed a lump on my neck about the size of a golf ball. It was strange and I thought, what the heck is going on?

Eventually my husband took me the ER, and the medical staff gave me two ultrasounds at the same time: one on my neck and the other on my pregnant belly. It was a very surreal moment, as they were concerned for my safety and for my son, Jace.

Then the doctor came and said, “I believe you have Hodgkin’s lymphoma.” He couldn’t confirm it without a biopsy, so he urged me to see an oncologist the next day who might possibly induce me as soon as they confirmed his suspicion.

Afraid and overwhelmed

I was already feeling overwhelmed with being a mom, and this forced me to process the possibility of having cancer, too.

The next day, I met with an oncologist, who explained the complexities of what I was facing. He wanted to get a diagnosis, but he feared taking a biopsy with a large needle might harm my son. So, he took a small needle sample and then would get a full biopsy after inducing labor.

I breathed a sigh of relief when they told me Jace would be ok. I was also relieved to discover that my possible cancer couldn’t spread to the womb. But I still faced many uncertainties ahead.

A son is born

The delivery ended up being best case scenario. They gave me an epidural for the pain and my labor went fast—Jace was born healthy and safe after only 10 minutes.

Then, I got to be a mom for week, nursing and just being with Jace. It was such a sweet time. However, soon it was time for me to get a biopsy to see if I had cancer.

It’s complicated

The test confirmed I had stage 3 Hodgkin’s lymphoma. My doctor gave me a good outlook, but it was a lot to juggle cancer and being a new mom at the same time.

Further complicating my emotional state, I had recently had a good friend pass away from a different kind of cancer. Her experience and story weighed heavily on me, and it was challenging to think of the odds I had been given in an optimistic way. Part of me wondered, what if the worst happens to me?

How I found hope, strength and peace against cancer

Surrendering to God is an important part of how I find hope. I began a relationship with God in my mid-20s, and I didn’t realize how much I feared death until I faced this situation.

After praying to God one day, I realized that I had surrendered the process of facing cancer, but I hadn’t surrendered the outcome. When I gave God the outcome, I began to experience peace.

Community from our church also proved helpful. I serve on the worship team and these friends are my people, like family to us.

When chemotherapy started thinning my hair, they helped shave my head. They would also come and watch Jace and say “Hey, you go sleep. We’ve got him.” My husband’s and my family live in a different state, so this was a huge help to us.

Singing worship songs also helped me find hope—it’s also how I found faith.

Faith and music

While living in Orange County, California, my husband, Cody, and I started to notice that the friends we admired most were Christians. I wasn’t interested in letting organized religion rule my life, but I kept asking questions like, why am I here? Why are humans on this planet?

One of my greatest passions is singing, and I have an alto voice that my friends would describe as “joyful and powerful.” One day a Christian coworker invited me to lead singing at a church, because the worship pastor got sick. And I was like, “I’m not a Christian bro, but sure—I guess I can sing.”

So, there I was, performing while everybody else was worshipping God. And I remember thinking, I don’t have what they have, but I want it.

I was skeptical, but not long after I gave my life to Jesus.

Later I didn’t just lead the church in singing, but in worshipping God.

A sound mind 

I love all kinds of music, but there is something about how worship music can lift you up out of your circumstance. One song that became important to me during the fearful days was “Sound Mind,” by Bryan and Katie Torwalt. I especially love the words from the bridge:

A sound mind for the spirit of fear
A sound mind so that I can see clearly
A sound mind, Your Spirit is here
A sound mind, a sound mind

The term “sound mind” comes from 2 Timothy 1:7: “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and love and of a sound mind.”

Having a sound mind means being perfectly held in a state of peace, even when you are surrounded by a storm. It means trusting God even when your circumstances are crumbling. I clung to every word in that song, especially during the most fearful points of my journey.

A fearful turn

After multiple rounds of Doxorubicin, aka the Red Devil, my facial features became so sunken in that the face ID on my iPhone didn’t recognize me anymore. After taking a walk one day, I collapsed on the coach with a fever of 104 degrees. My husband took me to the hospital, where I found out I had sepsis, an internal infection that can be life threatening.

Sitting in my hospital bed, even as fear surrounded me, I continued to worship God with a sound mind against the fear. I began to feel at peace, even before my situation improved. Eventually, my fever broke.

How I have changed

It’s now been two years since my diagnosis, and my son, Jace, continues to grow and thrive, and my personal health has improved as well. I still lead worship and work in the same industry, yet, in some ways, my life will never be the same.

I don’t think I realized how fearfully I lived before facing cancer. Surrendering the outcome and having a sound mind has changed the way I approach so many things in my life.

Before cancer, I held things too tightly—my life and that of my family. My experience has helped reinforce that none of this is mine. It’s mine to manage.

Advice for others

I highly recommend finding a community that you can trust and open to. We all need a place where we don’t have to put on a face or perform and just be whatever we are bringing today.

Even though it can be challenging, just say yes when people offer to help you and try to lean into the people that you trust.

I also believe that having a sound mind, or peace amidst fear, is something we can all benefit from, especially through a relationship with God.

Jesus has helped release me from fear and carrying the unbearable weight of controlling the outcome of my life. When you realize this weight isn’t yours to carry, you can sleep easier. You can rest. With a sound mind.

 

For more about how to begin a relationship with God see Knowing God Personally.

To unlock the power of prayer see Asking God for Help.

For a 7-day email series on finding hope against cancer, see The Pathway to Hope. 

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