A lot of well-meaning people wish they knew more about how to talk to someone with cancer.

I’m thankful you are reading this article, because it shows you want to care for those around you with cancer. And many people need encouragement, as one out of every two men and one out of every three women will get cancer at some point in their lifetime. That means that sooner or later we will all know someone with cancer!

I wrote this from the perspective of someone who personally walked through cancer.

I also based it on what I’ve learned from talking with thousands of other cancer survivors through Hope Has Arrived.

A helpful approach

When wanting to know how to talk to someone with cancer, I wish I could give you a list of helpful sayings that fit every situation, but the problem is that list doesn’t exist. Cancer is deeply personal and not every survivor will want to hear the same things.

Instead, the goal of this article is share more about how to talk to someone with cancer. In other words, I want to give you a helpful posture for how you should approach someone going through it.

How you approach someone is critical, as communication is more than just the words you say, but also your body language and especially a reflection of what is in your heart (Matthew 12:34).

With that said, here my 9 tips for how to talk to someone with cancer:

1. Show compassion, not pity.

Kindness and compassion should be your posture for talking with someone who is facing cancer. However, pity can come across in a negative way. Pity is feeling sorrow over the suffering of others. While the feeling could come from genuine care and compassion, if you let this dominate how you talk to someone with cancer, the conversation may feel awkward and unhelpful for the person with cancer, as it can feel condescending. From experience, I can say it’s not helpful to be on the receiving end of pity.

2. Let your heart speak louder than words.

People are often terrified to talk to people with cancer because they are worried they will say the wrong thing. However, if you really are intending to be kind and helpful, your heart of kindness will shine through—maybe even louder than the words you say. Because if your intent is to do them good, not harm, your heart for them will speak louder than any misspoken words. Be confident that the person you talk with will see your care for them and certainly be encouraged.

3. Treat them like a human.

In many ways, you can relax because the person you are talking to is a normal person, just like you, except they are currently going through something difficult. So, in many ways, just talk to them like you would talk to any person. You can say “hello” and greet them and smile at them. You can even say, “it’s good to see you” or something else that is genuine.

4. Approach them with humility.

The reality is everyone’s life is fragile and uncertain, not just the person going through cancer. Sometimes the fear associated with suffering can drive a wedge between the healthy and the sick. Yet, nobody has arrived at a position of ultimate stability in life, untouched from any danger. Living life from this humble perspective will help you treat a person with cancer with kindness, knowing that your life is also uncertain and fragile.

5. Let them set the agenda.

This is important. Let the person set the agenda of the conversation, especially as it relates to talking about cancer. If they want to talk about cancer, great. But if they don’t, then you shouldn’t try to force it into the conversation. Try to read the person’s non-verbal body language. Do they seem comfortable with you and the conversation? If someone doesn’t want to talk, give them space not to.

6. Ask them questions about something other than cancer. 

What is this person interested or passionate about? Ask them about it. You could also frame it this way, what is helping give you hope right now? Remember, cancer doesn’t define them, and there is lot more to them and their life than facing a disease. They lived a whole life before cancer, and God willing, they live life afterward, too. So they will enjoy being reminded about other facets of their life than just cancer.

7. Avoid “dumping in.”

This is a term for when you approach a person who is suffering or going through a hard time, and you begin to tell them how sorry and how sad or how shocked and mad you are about what they are going through. While well-intentioned, “dumping in” is rarely helpful. Sharing your emotional response to them having cancer might make you feel compassionate or noble, but it puts extra pressure on the person with cancer to respond to your emotions. You may be overwhelming someone who is already overwhelmed. Also, please, do not share about someone else you knew who had cancer and died…this will not prove helpful.

8. Avoid saying you are sorry.

Yes, please don’t apologize for someone having cancer. You don’t need to say you’re sorry because this almost implies that a wrong was committed. Instead, it may be more appropriate to say, “I’m sad to hear what you are going through.” This shows that you care about them and are trying to be empathetic, but doesn’t require a response from them like “thank you.”

9. Be a hope giver, not hope taker.

Don’t assume the worst about a person’s diagnosis or outlook. If you feel hopeless for a person, this belief will certainly come across in how you talk to them. When I faced cancer, someone wrote these words to me, “I’m glad that things are going well for you—for now.” It seemed they were implying that soon the shoe would drop! I wanted to believe the best, but YIKES!

Let this remind you to always approach a person with hope, because there is always hope—miracles happen every day and there is increasing medical hope today. So why live hopeless? Most importantly, spiritual hope waits to be found. And this hope can never be defeated, even if we lose everything in this life. For more, see Knowing God Personally.

A few more tips…

How to talk to someone with cancer may seem complex, but it really doesn’t have to be. Just treat them like you would want to be treated if you were in the same situation.

Also, if you feel hopeless for them, then perhaps you should pray. Friends and family of people going through cancer need hope, too. Same with pity—turn your pity into prayers and genuine compassion on their behalf.

At Hope Has Arrived we believe prayer—asking God for help—is one of the most powerful ways you can help someone going through cancer.

If you really want to bless someone with cancer, know that your heart of kindness for them will speak louder than any of the words you say.

This article was written by Chris Lawrence, the founder of Hope Has Arrived. You can read more about his cancer journey here. 

 

For help with prayer, read Asking God for Help.