I have multiple myeloma, an incurable form of cancer. The doctors treat it and knock it back, but it always wins. I feel as if I am suspended, living somewhere between life and death.

We all know that we will die. It will be sudden for some, with no opportunity to say a quick goodbye. Whether or not we want to, those with cancer have months or years to think about what is coming and to face the question of how to live in the in-between with hope.

My background

I grew up in a Czech community on the south side of Chicago. I met my husband, Roger, while we were in college. Afterward, we both became missionaries with a large Christian organization. I loved leading Bible studies with college students and seeing lives change.

An unexpected turn

Fast forward to when I was in my 40s, married with four children. A bone density test flagged me for osteoporosis—unusual at my age. My doctor referred me to an oncologist. She determined I had monoclonal gammopathy, a precursor to a bone and blood cancer called multiple myeloma.

At that time, the life expectancy of multiple myeloma was not good—6 to 18 months. Frantically, I researched online, finding a few hopeful articles before becoming overwhelmed by obituaries.

I sighed with relief as ten years passed, and my dreaded cancer did not develop.

A different chapter

Ten years later, I stepped off a curb onto a cobblestone street and jerked my back. Returning home, I saw a chiropractor. I mentioned my pre-cancerous condition, and he suggested an MRI.

There it was—a tumor inside my spine, wrapped around my spinal cord. My oncologist confirmed it was multiple myeloma.

What I feared became my reality. And despite the odds, my cancer has been fully active for the past 16 years. I don’t know how my journey will end, but I know cancer is a fearsome enemy.

Living with multiple myeloma

While going through a bone marrow transplant, I remembered that people who get multiple myeloma don’t die from the disease itself but from kidney disease or pneumonia.

So when I contracted pneumonia in the hospital, I grew fearful of what was next. I couldn’t even force myself to stay conscious. As I drifted in and out, I prayed a simple childhood prayer: “I pray the Lord my soul to keep, and if I die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take.”

I felt God’s presence with me, and he reassured me of the hope that I had and that I didn’t need to be afraid.

The difficulty with living suspended

After recovery, as I continued to live with cancer, there was the difficulty of feeling suspended. I was deeply aware of my prognosis and the looming reality of death. At the same time, I was working with and relating to people who didn’t have a clue how it felt to have a life-altering disease.

It was as if I was caught between death and life.

I missed being physically active and struggled with my new reality. I pursued medical advice, while simultaneously fighting depression and fatalism. Other times, I invested my time in positive ways. I loved seeing friends and even making new ones, but I missed my career and being active.

I have lived much longer than my doctors initially projected. But it comes with challenges. Even now, from where I am sitting and writing, I can see where I fell and broke my hip, the worst pain I have ever experienced.

How I find hope, strength, and peace against cancer

You may wonder what gives me the perspective and strength needed on dark days. Or how did I power through sixteen years of cancer, seven broken bones, a hip replacement, and a bone marrow transplant?

The most important source of hope in my journey has been my relationship with God through Jesus Christ. Blaise Pascal once said, “There is a God-shaped hole in the heart of each man which cannot be satisfied by any created thing but only by God the Creator, made known through Jesus Christ.”

Having a personal relationship with God makes all the difference in my life. Instead of being just a good book, the Bible is a love letter from him to me. I’ve felt God’s peace and presence in the hard times when I was suffering or close to death.

How Maggie Bruehl has changed

I’ve always been a planner. Before cancer, my husband and I made 20-year plans. But these days, my plans keep getting shorter. I have learned to be more present in the moment and take life day by day.

When I wake up, I say, “OK, God, you gave me another day. What do you want me to do with today?”

Another positive aspect of my journey is that I have done a lot of writing and it helps me connect with others on similar journeys. I have a blog and recently I published a book called “Suspended: Living with Dying.”

Hope of what’s ahead

For me, eternity gives me hope because I know where I will spend it. Life is only going to get better because I know I will be healed in heaven.

I think part of the reason God leaves me here is to be able to share hope with others and help them realize that they don’t have to fear death, because what comes after can be beautiful.

Advice for others

It’s OK to feel what you are feeling. It’s also helpful to connect with others. For me, reading other people’s experiences on blogs was comforting. You can read the medical information, but in my case, that was depressing. However, reading the thoughts and feelings of others made me feel connected and not alone.

Whatever you believe spiritually, it should give you hope and peace. And if it does not, then start searching for a belief system that does, because for all of us, life is uncertain and brief.

For me, the most important source of hope has been my relationship with God through Jesus. I know he loves you as much as he loves me. If you’re not already in a relationship with him, maybe it’s time to check out his claims and believe that his promises are for you, too.

Even if you, like me, feel as if you are living suspended, know that you can find the hope that helps you live every day as a gift and not fear what lies ahead.

 

For more about how to begin a relationship with God see Knowing God Personally.

To unlock the power of prayer see Asking God for Help.

To read more about the hope of heaven, see Healing in Heaven.

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