Facing cancer gave me the gift of time.

It didn’t necessarily add minutes or days to my life, but it helped me be fully awakened to use the time I have in the best possible ways. I like to say time is today.

Here’s how I came to have this perspective.

Not so routine

In September of 2018, I went in for a routine checkup, while my husband, John was away on a work trip. We are both retired Air Force and live in Colorado Springs, Colorado, though I’m originally from Illinois.

It wasn’t time yet for a mammogram, but I noticed a lump and I saw my doctor about it. She said, “I feel the lump like you do, but it doesn’t seem consistent with cancer.”

I sighed deeply, feeling relieved. However, my doctor suggested I still get a mammogram, which due to some scheduling issues, didn’t happen for a few more weeks.

Alarming symptoms

Around that time John and I attended a wedding and then went to a green chile festival in Pueblo. It was an especially hot day, and I was feeling tired and uncomfortable, and I began to experience searing back pain.

I’ve had chronic back pain before, but somehow this felt different. The pain grew worse, and my back made a popping sound when I sat down. Eventually the pain grew so bad that my husband, John, took me to the emergency room.

A friend at the ER

The doctor on duty turned out to be the father of one of our son’s best friends—which was a huge blessing. He said, “Hey, I know these guys!” And he got us in right away.

He ran a series of tests on me, looking at my kidneys and then eventually a full body scan, which is uncommon in the ER, but I could tell he wanted to find out the cause of my pain.

At about 1:30 a.m., he sat down with John and I and told us I had cancer. He proceeded to tell us that I had cancer in my spine, my ribs, my lymph nodes and a lump in my breast.

Fear sweeps over me 

In this moment, a massive wave of fear swept over me, and I started to feel some strange sensations. It was almost like I was looking in on the room from afar, but I was no longer there.

It was my body’s way of coping.

In the days ahead, as the news started to sink in, the fear continued to wash over me. I was scared for myself, for John, but I was especially concerned for our kids. I was worried I wouldn’t get to see our son graduate from high school and our daughter graduate from college.

The fast track

Our ER doctor friend had been diligent to put us on the fast track. Within a few weeks, I already had a diagnosis of stage IV breast cancer and was starting treatment.

My oncologist said she was going to treat me like I had stage III breast cancer, even though I had stage IV, meaning I would be going through an aggressive chemotherapy.

Faith crisis

I have long been a person of faith. Yet, about four weeks into treatment, my emotions began to catch up with my reality and I experienced a crisis in my relationship with God.

“God, what are you doing?” I prayed. “I don’t understand this. It makes no sense. This doesn’t seem to fit with the way you were laying out life before me.”

I began to despair over my rapidly declining physical, mental and spiritual state.

How I found hope, strength and peace against cancer

Even in the darkest moments, my relationship with Jesus gives me hope. My hope is that no matter what happens to me in this life, I am going to spend eternity with my King.

Yet now I faced this crisis. When I finished my temper tantrum, like a child with their parent, I quickly realized that the same person I was angry with would be the one who could best console me. So, I climbed into Daddy’s lap and allowed him to comfort me.

God gave me hope in a surprising way: gratitude. Whatever I saw that is beautiful as I faced cancer—a flower, a snowflake, a raindrop, or something growing out of the ground—he wanted me to pay attention to it and thank him for it. And so, I did.

Focusing on gratitude, even in the smallest details, began to change my attitude.

Like it says in Philippians, “Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things (4:8).”

And so that’s what I did. I kept looking for God in all things and in all ways.

Gratitude in the little things

We continued to be involved in our church community, especially our small group, who prayed for us and supported us during this time. I also kept participating in women’s ministry, something I had been involved in for many years. On days when all I could do was sit on the couch in exhaustion, I prayed for a list of other people, which was a helpful way for me to not just focus on my own situation, but on the needs of others, too.

And I needed plenty of distractions.

The harsh treatment caused terrible stomach sickness and my hair fell out right away. In total, I lost 45 pounds, because I had no appetite due to the metallic taste in my mouth. When I looked in the mirror, I didn’t see something that looked human anymore.

Good news

At the end of my treatment, I got a pet scan in January of 2019 which revealed there was no cancer left in my body. It was a remarkable turnaround.

I still had surgery and radiation as a precaution, but I believe that God removed the cancer, and I was going to be alright. It’s now been more than six years and I continue to remain cancer free.

My family and I are so grateful.

How I’ve changed: time is today

One of the ways that my point of view changed is about the usage of time. For me, time is today. What I mean is, I hear people saying things like, “In five years I’ll do this when I’m in my 80s I’ll do such and such.” They look at time with such length.

I don’t have that perspective anymore. Cancer has forced me to face the urgency of each day, in a good way. Time is today. What will I do with today?

I want to love the people around me deeply—my husband, my kids, my mom, my friends. I don’t want surface relationships. I want the real, I want the deep.

It also gave me urgency to pursue a long-held passion.

Helping marriages

For at least the past ten years, my husband and I have talked about starting our own marriage ministry. Time is today prompted us to pull the trigger.

John left his job, and earlier this year we started Armed for the Battle Ministries. Our purpose is, “equipping marriages to last, using our story of battles and victories.”

Our passion to help marriages comes from our own struggles. In the early years of our marriage, we drank heavily, had explosive conflict and created many unhealthy patterns that tore us apart.

The turning point was when we gave our lives to God. We stopped drinking, invested in community and began confronting our issues. Today, we help other couples get on track through marriage classes and retreats. I’m so thankful for this focus.

We also wrote an article called, “Cancer You Dropped a Bomb on Me (Us),” which covers three critical ways to boost your marriage when facing cancer (see the link at the end of the article).

Advice for others

I have come to notice that the people with cancer who suffer the most are those who have little to no community in their life. Whether before or after a diagnosis, make sure to find people who love and care for you, and who hold you accountable, and keep you connected.

When a crisis hits, the darkness and the fear and the worry can consume you. And if you have no one to turn to, it can easily take you down.

It’s never too late to find a friend. Time is today. The first place I look is within the local church. Second, check out what resources your cancer center might offer.

Besides people, it’s also important to connect with God. It’s never too late to pursue this hopeful relationship, even if for the first time. Time is today.